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"EC Peasy" - as posted on The Whirligig Message Board by Jim Wall

In the light of recent expostulations from the EC regarding the inability of an island to actually be an island if it contains either the capital city of a European nation, or is connected to the mainland by a bridge, one may be interested to hear of a lesser-known definition that has recently emanated from those hallowed halls.

Order No: 413556-2, sub. 76a. Amendment 3c, Potatoes, reclassification of.

In order to ensure primary compliance with current EC classifications, it will be necessary to reclassify the potato (solanum tuberosum) if it falls within the following categories.

A: The standard accepted colour for a potato is light brown, chart ref: 147c. Should a potato contain less than 50% of this accepted external colorant and contain more than 50% of the following colorants, then it must be reclassified as the following:

Green – reclassify as a melon.
Yellow – reclassify as a pumpkin
Red – reclassify as an Edam cheese.
Black – reclassify as coal
Orange – reclassify as the Liberal Democrat Party.

B: Should a potato have eyes, then it can no longer be classified as vegetable, since vegetables are incapable of having any form of vision (with the sole exception of John Prescott). The reclassifications should be amended as follow:

Green with eyes – reclassify as a leprechaun
Yellow with eyes – reclassify as the Republic of China
Red with eyes – reclassify as a lobster
Black with eyes – reclassify as a crow
Orange with eyes – reclassify as Des O’Connor

C: Size: If the potato measures less than 10cm in circumference, it is a radish. If it measures more than 20cm in circumference, it is a football. If it measures more than 30cm in circumference, it is the Isle of Wight. If it is unusually elongated with protuberances, it is Exhibit A in a pornography trial.

D: Any hybrid varieties will fall under the categories detailed above, with one exception. Any potato that is deemed to be red on the surface, but blue underneath, has eyes but is unable to see, is thick-skinned but half-baked, dangles from a Bush but has its head in the sand, and generally disagrees with anybody that comes into contact with it, shall be reclassified as a Tony Blair. While undoubtedly sweet on the exterior, it is usually poisonous and should be avoided at all costs.

E: Point of origin: All home-produced potatoes shall be classified as second grade and allowed to rot in the fields. Any potatoes arriving from continental Europe shall be classified as high-dependency potatoes and shall be permitted unfettered access to all benefits, a three bedroom house, a mobile telephone, a weekly drug allowance, unrestricted access to dangerous chemicals and plutonium, and shall be deemed to be unaffected by the laws of this country.

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